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绡悆瓒崇悆绔炲僵杞欢 :婚姻與感情不忠的討論:何為婚內出軌

篮球竞彩nba www.xvrnl.com   Why we need to talk about cheating

  婚姻與感情不忠的討論:何為婚內出軌

  Mike Pence refuses to dine alone with women other than his wife. For the US vice president it is a mark of respect for his wife, Karen, and a rule guided by his strong religious convictions. Some commentators have hailed it the solution for men unable to control themselves, others call it patronising, sexist and insulting. (It is not an entirely rare attitude, however: in one study, around 5.7% of people surveyed thought that buying food for someone of the opposite sex would qualify as an act of infidelity.)

  美國副總統麥克·彭斯(Mike Pence)拒絕同妻子之外的異性單獨共餐。這是出于他對妻子凱倫(Karen)的尊重,也是出于他強烈的宗教信仰。有評論家稱,此舉是男人無法自控的應對之術,但也有人批評說這是屈尊就卑的姿態,是性別歧視和對他人的侮辱。(支持者并不在少數:有一項研究發現,有5.7%的受訪者認為,買食物給異性無異于不忠。)

  Whatever you think about Pence’s justifications, at least he and Karen have clear boundaries about what is appropriate to do with people of the opposite sex – which is more than can be said for a lot of heterosexual couples.

  無論我們怎么解讀彭斯的行為,至少他和妻子對如何與異性相處是確定了清晰的邊界。在異性戀伴侶之中,這種模式是比較值得一提的。

  Most people rarely have good definitions of exactly what it means to be unfaithful, and vastly underestimate how likely it is that some kind of betrayal will occur (despite being unfaithful themselves). They also have little understanding of how they will deal with infidelity if it does occur (with many people’s reactions surprising them).

  到底怎么樣算不忠,很多人都沒有明確的定義,他們也大大低估了伴侶背叛的概率(盡管有時,自己也并不夠忠誠)。他們也不知道的,如果伴侶不忠應該如何回應(很多人的反應都出乎意料)。

  異性戀中,20個人里就有一個會認為對方給其他異性買頓飯就算是不忠。

  Given its prevalence, that’s lack of communication and understanding is causing a lot of heartbreak – and many psychologists suggest that we should have much more open conversations about cheating.

  我們知道,不忠現象并不在少數。一旦發現伴侶不忠,會讓人心碎、又無人可以傾訴,因此許多心理學家建議,人們需要以更公開的方式談論不忠現象。

  Working out how many people have ever been unfaithful is challenging, not least because researchers are reliant on the honest confessions of cheaters. As a result, estimates of infidelity can vary wildly and are often affected by how data are collected. At the higher end of estimates, 75% of men and 68% of women admitted to cheating in some way, at some point, in a relationship (although, more up-to-date research from 2017 suggests that men and women are now engaging in infidelity at similar rates). One of the lowest published rates of infidelity is 14% – still a sizeable number.

  有多少人曾對伴侶不忠,這是很難統計的。尤其是因為研究人員的數據來源,僅為那些坦白承認自己對伴侶不忠的人。因此,預估的數據會有較大的偏差,通?;崾蓯菔占絞降撓跋?。最高估計值顯示,有75%的男性和68%的女性承認曾經出軌(雖然,2017年的最新數據顯示,男女出軌概率已經趨同)。按其中一份已公布的最低估計數據,有14%的人曾經出軌,但這也是一個不小的數字。

  Yet only 5% of people believe that their own partner had cheated or will cheat at some point in their relationship, meaning that even the most conservative estimates would suggest that this happens much more frequently than expected. Perhaps we’re too trusting of our partners.

  盡管如此,相信伴侶曾出軌過、或者有出軌心思的,只有5%。這也就是說,出軌數據中最保守的數字都已經數倍于此數了。大概我們太過相信自己另一半的忠誠了。

  “Those of us who are not depressed generally have a really inflated sense of how likely good things will happen and unduly low sense that bad things will happen,” says Susan Boon of the University of Calgary. “One possibility is that our low presumption that our partners will cheat on us is a manifestation of that. Alternatively, when you are in a relationship it might be helpful to have faith in your partner because it would be unhealthy to monitor their behaviour all the time.”

  卡爾加里大學的布恩(Susan Boon)說:“我們中通常樂觀的人覺得,好事會發生在自己身上,壞事會繞開自己走。我們對伴侶忠誠度之信任,也正是源于此。另外,一段戀愛關系中,最好還是對另一半抱有信任。因為時刻監視對方的一舉一動,是十分畸形的。”

  Here lies one of the issues; cheating means different things to different people. Researchers might pre-define what cheating constitutes to them, but everyone has a different interpretation, so interviewees might not agree with them.

  還有一個問題:不同的人,對于出軌的定義是不同的。研究人員會先行定義什么叫出軌,然而每個人對出軌的解讀都有所不同,因此受訪者也可能會不認同研究人員的定義。

  “People overestimate the extent to which others approve of and engage in infidelity in relation to how much they do,” says Boon. “I’m not sure why people don’t talk about it considering how often you see it in movies or songs. Part of it is that we’re not aware of the variability of standards. We assume wrongly that what I consider unfaithful you would too. It also admits that maybe this could happen. People would prefer to believe that you wouldn’t do this.”

  伯恩表示:“人們會高估他人對出軌的容忍度以及他人出軌的可能性。出軌是電影和歌曲中經常出現的題材,但我不知道為什么現實中鮮有人談及。我想有一點原因是,不同人有不同的出軌標準。人們會認為,自己眼中的不忠行為在別人看來也是如此,這個觀點是錯誤的。這也默認了出軌的可能性,只是人們愿意相信你不是那種人而已。”

  About 70% of people have not discussed with their partner what counts as cheating. Does downloading a dating app count, for example? Between 18% and 25% of Tinder users are in a committed relationship while using the dating app. Presumably, meeting up with people you met on Tinder does. Unsurprisingly, Tinder users who are already in relationships are more likely to have casual sex.

  如何界定出軌?有70%的人從未與伴侶討論過這個話題。比如說,下載了交友軟件就算不忠嗎?Tinder(陌生人交友軟件)用戶中,出于戀愛關系的占到了18%-25%。又或許和Tinder網友線下約會應該算是出軌。已經有男女朋友的Tinder用戶約炮的概率更高,這也不足為奇了。

紐約時報中英文網 //www.xvrnl.com/

  The people responding to the question about whether they thought their partner had ever been unfaithful were free to interpret infidelity in any way they chose. Perhaps that makes the 5% statistic even more surprising. For some people, cheating might only include sex, but for others, flirting with someone might count. With the freedom to interpret infidelity as we wish, we’re still very optmisitic that it will never happen to us.

  被問及是否懷疑過對方出軌時,受訪者可以自行界定“出軌”的范疇。5%這一數據也就因此更讓人吃驚了。有的人認為只有發生了性關系才算真正出軌,但也有人覺得調情就是出軌。即使我們能自行界定出軌的標準,卻還是會盲目自信,覺得綠云不會罩在自己頭上。

  Defining emotional infidelity is particularly difficult. One place where emotional transgressions might occur is in the workplace where overlapping professional and personal interests result in close relationships. Plausibly this would allow for opportunities to transgress from innocuous friendships to something more intimate.

  最難定義的是僅止于感情上的不忠。職場上很容易出現感情出軌,因為同事間職能互相重合、個人利益交織,容易產生親密關系。於是這就給了單純的友誼升級為曖昧關系的機會。

  In one study, researchers interviewed women about their attitudes towards workplace relationships. These women, all in their 30s and 40s and in committed relationships, were asked about times they felt the lines between appropriate and inappropriate workplace relationships became blurry.

  有研究人員曾對女性進行過調查,詢問了她們對于辦公室戀情的看法。受訪者年齡在30至40歲之間,且都不是單身。研究人員詢問了她們經歷過多少次界限模糊的時刻。

  “I can’t lie, I look forward to seeing him at work,” said one interviewee, “it feels like a stupid school girl, you know, like when you have a crush on somebody and you see them and you’re like ‘Oh!’ and you get excited.”

  有一位受訪者表示:“工作的時候我是很期待看到他的,我不能說謊。這種感覺就像是回到了學生時代,對別人產生了好感,一看見那個人就會‘噢!’地一下,整個人都激動了起來。”

  The interviewees concluded that physical intimacy is not necessary to elicit feelings of emotional infidelity. Withholding information, confiding in another, even thinking about the other person if it prevents you from thinking about your partner were enough. These are all things that might happen considering the amount of time we spend at work and the nature of forming close relationships with coworkers.

  受訪者們普遍表示,肢體的親密接觸并非是引發精神出軌的必要條件。在一個人面前守口如瓶,卻對另一個人知無不言,甚至想到那個人時會忘了自己的伴侶,這就足夠是精神出軌了。鑒于上班的工作時間很長,與同事容易產生親密關系,所以職場中常發生外遇出軌這類事情也就不難理解了。

  The interviewees talked about ‘relationship safeguarding’; predefining ground rules about what is and what is not appropriate. They also said that choosing to trust their partners was important for maintaining a healthy relationship. “And being in fitness, it can get physical just because [I’m] trying to show people how to do the correct workouts,” said another interviewee. “So, it was a conversation that we had to have... ahead of time just to say, ‘I’m going to trust you to do your job and it won’t go beyond that’.”

  有受訪者提到了“情感保衛”的概念:即預先制定基本的規則,界定戀人或伴侶夫妻間合理與不合理行為的范疇。他們還說,保持健康的愛情關系,其中相信另一半尤為重要。另一名受訪者說:“比如在健身房,就肯定會(與我幫助健身的人)有肢體接觸。但這只是因為我要顯示正確的鍛煉方法。因此,雙方之間必須要...提前說好,哪怕是‘我選擇相信你,你一定會恪守本分不過線’。”

  The behaviour of your partners friends can be enlightening as to their own attitudes about infidelity. The greater the proportion of your friends who you believe have cheated in their relationships, the more likely you are to have cheated in the past, and the more likely you are to say that you would be willing to cheat again in the future. We tend to surround ourselves with similarly adulterous, or non-adulterous, people.

  朋友的態度也會影響伴侶自身對于不忠的看法。若某人的朋友圈偷情者多,那么這個人過去對伴侶不忠的可能性就會比較高,未來此人還會再犯的概率也會較高。近朱者赤,近墨者黑,我們選擇的朋友圈,是忠實于感情還是常在外偷腥,都與我們自己是否忠誠相近。

  It is clear that most people in monogamous relationships think that cheating is morally wrong. But, if someone has cheated, is the best course of action to admit guilt? When asked this question by researchers, people tend to say yes. In fact, more than 90% of people questioned say they would want to know if their partner has cheated on them.

  很顯然,多數單配偶關系的伴侶會在道德上不認同偷情。那么,對于一個曾經出過軌、偷過情的人而言,承認自己不忠是否是最好的懺悔呢? 研究人員提出這一問題后,很多人的回答都是肯定的。超過90%的受訪者表示,如果伴侶曾背叛過自己他們希望知道真相。

  One piece of research suggests that the importance of appearing loyal and pure is a key reason why people make those moral judgments. In fact, maintaining loyalty is more important than protecting someone’s feelings. If the most important thing was not to cause harm, then people would have said that keeping the affair secret is more ethical than confessing. Whether in reality this is the best course of action is another matter. Infidelity is the number one cause of divorce in the US.

  一項研究結果顯示,人們之所以會有如此的道德審判,很重要的一個原因是想要展現自己忠貞、純潔的形象。表現忠誠遠比照顧情緒來得重要。如果說,最重要的不要傷害到伴侶,那么最為道德的做法不該是坦白行徑,而是把劈腿之事牢牢捂住,不讓對方發現。至于現實生活中到底何為最好的做法,那又另當別論。在美國,伴侶不忠在離婚諸多緣由中居于首位。

  Admitting to cheating is clearly going to hurt your partner's feelings – but there is a lot of variation in how people react. Greg Tortoriello, a psychologist at the University of Alabama has studied the effects of perceived failure on people; particularly, people whose personalities might mean they react poorly to failure. One example is narcissists, who seek the approval of others and are very conscious about how they present themselves.

  承認自己出軌一定會對伴侶造成傷害,但伴侶的反應則各有不同,下面是一些例子。阿拉巴馬大學的托爾托列洛(Greg Tortoriello)曾調查過認知功能受損對人的影響;研究的重點對象,是由于個性而無法面對失敗的一類人。其中之一就是自戀者。自戀者極度渴望得到別人的認同,時刻在意如何表現自己。

  “We assessed two types of narcissists: grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists,” says Tortoriello. “A grandiose narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth linked to higher self-esteem, whereas a vulnerable narcissist is sensitive to judgements from others and usually has lower self-esteem. In both cases, slight threats can activate aggressive behaviour.”

  托爾托列洛說:“我們對兩種自戀者進行了評估:一是夸張自戀者,還有一種是脆弱自戀者??湔拋粵嫡哂幸恢摯浯蟮淖暈壹壑蹈?,因此自尊心很強;而脆弱自戀者很敏感,很在意他人的評價,通常自尊心較低。對這兩類自戀者,哪怕是輕微的威脅都有可能刺激他們作出攻擊性回應。”

  In one study by Tortoriello, participants imagined their partner was engaging in various types of infidelity. Some of the imaginary infidelities were based on emotional experiences; your partner talking late at night on the phone with another person and responds to their text rather than yours.

  在托爾托列洛的一項研究中,他讓參與者想象其伴侶的各種形式的不忠行為。有些人的想象是基于過往的感情經驗;有的想像伴侶和電話那頭的人暢聊到深夜,只回別人信息而不回自己的信息。

  “Grandiose narcissists wanted to assert power and control over their relationships when there was a threat of emotional infidelity,” says Tortoriello. “This took the form of verbal threats, physical threats, surveillance – remember these were hypothetical responses to imaginary situations. What we didn’t find is that those infidelity threats aroused more negative emotions.”

  托爾托列洛說:“如有感情出軌的威脅,夸張自戀者會強勢反應,力圖控制二人的感情關系。這類人往往會通過言語威脅、肢體威脅、監視等方式來控制對方,不過要記住,這僅僅是在假定的場景之中他們想象的反應。那時我們沒有發現,不忠的威脅會引起人們更加負面的情緒。”

  Vulnerable narcissists after emotional infidelity spent more time worrying and had more negative emotions. They took the infidelity personally.

  歷經伴侶感情出軌的脆弱自戀者,會長時間心情憂郁,并會有更多的負面情緒。他們會將伴侶的不忠歸因于自身問題。

  In clinical terms, diagnoses of narcissism as a pathological disorder tend to be black and white – you are either a narcissist or you are not. Most behavioural psychologists like Tortoriello view narcissism as a sliding scale – everyone can be judged to have some of these qualities to a greater or lesser extent. In this study, he was specifically looking at people who were above average for these traits but who were not necessarily pathologically narcissistic.

  臨床上,診斷病理學自戀是比較二元的,此人要么是自戀者,要么就不是。包括托爾托列洛在內的大多數行為心理學家認為,自戀更像是一桿游標卡尺,所有人或多或少都有些自戀的特征。這項研究中,自戀特征高于平均值的受訪者正是托爾托列洛的重點研究對象,但這些人也不是說已經達到了病理性自戀的程度。

  “If you are in a relationship with one of these people and cheat sexually, it pretty much looks like they are trying to assert dominance and that will manifest in fairly destructive behaviours, but it gets more complicated with emotional infidelity,” says Tortoriello. “Vulnerable narcissists may not communicate to you that there are these concerns around their relationship and there is turmoil in the relationship. If I were to propose an intervention I would say finding ways to cultivate communication in specifically these relationships where there are a lot of internalised negative emotions is important.”

  他說:“如果有人和自戀者相愛,卻又和他人發生性關系,那么自戀者很有可能要訴諸控制權,會以極具破壞性的行為來表達。但如果是感情出軌,事情會變得更加復雜。脆弱自戀者可能不會與伴侶溝通,他們不會將情感關系中的擔憂和焦慮同他人訴說。如果要我出主意,我會建議要找到辦法養成溝通的習慣。對一方獨自承受負面情緒的情感關系,溝通尤其重要。”

  Forgiveness is most likely when cheating is an isolated incident and when an apology is offered. Though, Tortoriello and Boon reiterate that people react very differently in hypothetical situations and in reality. “Unanimously people say they would break up with someone for cheating but in reality it is not how people respond,” says Boon. “Sometimes it's the end of marriages but not always.”

  如果出軌只是個別事件,那么只要一方道歉,我們認為是很容易被原諒的。然而,托爾托列洛和伯恩表示,假設情景和人們的真實反應是截然不同的。伯恩表示:“假設情景中,大家都認為自己會因遭到背叛而選擇結束這段關系。但現實并非如此。有人會離婚,也有人會繼續走下去。”

  Tortoriello has started to think about collecting real life data and is keen to explore the version of events from both sides of a couple. Do our partners think we’re being more unfaithful than we do? Do they see cheating where others see harmless flirting?

  托爾托列洛打算著手收集現實生活中的數據。同時也對出軌伴侶中,雙方如何看待的方式十分感興趣。比如伴侶是否會過分放大對方的不忠行為?或其他人眼中的調情,在伴侶眼里是否已是感情不忠?

  One thing to consider is that although the lifetime prevalence of infidelity is high – it will probably happen to many people at some point – the odds in any particular year are probably quite low. It doesn’t seem particularly pressing to talk about it right now.

  我們還有一件事情要考慮在內。雖然人一生對伴侶不忠的幾率很高,很多人在某些時候都會出現不忠的情況,但是計算一個人在特定某一年的出軌幾率,這個數字或許就會小上很多。那么,當下談論出軌也就沒那么迫切了。

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